here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
