Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
