you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
