I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
