My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
