I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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