apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
50% drunk capacity currently
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
