I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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