you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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