I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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