Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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