I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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