I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
