SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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