Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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