I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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