I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
