i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
high people should be assigned attendants
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
