SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
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My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
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I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
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