the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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