just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You should frame my arrest warrant.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
