Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
