Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
