I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
