Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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