She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
