WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
