you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
