So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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