Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
