Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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