I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
