My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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