just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
