Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
