I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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