So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
