She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
