Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
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he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
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When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off