i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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