Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
