Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
