I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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