mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
