u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
