i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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