Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.