I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
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I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
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We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.