mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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