just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I booty called her while she was in labor.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
