The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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