Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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