so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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