I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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