hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
